Question Detail: Give Up on Mother

Give Up on Mother

My upbringing in my childhood years was hurtful from my Mom, saying things like “I wish you were never born”,“you were adopted”, “why can’t you be more like your brother” (8 years older), “why can you be more like ____” (a family friend’s child who was the same age). She claims she was a “good” mother, but any Mother who can say hurtful things like that, isn’t really a good Mother. It is obvious that I was a mistake….

and she was there to remind me of it. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO MY BROTHER….it was apparent growing up that she favored my brother over me. I vowed that I would never treat my children that way (I now have 4, all in their twenties) and I never did….you can crawl out of the quagmire if one chooses. Over 35 years ago, my only brother (8 years senior) was married to an overbearing woman, who demanded at that time “she will get married whenever and wherever she wants” and really had no consideration for our friends and family who may have wanted to attend the wedding at a church (she wanted to get married on a Friday by a Justice of the Peace).

We suggested a Saturday, of which she flatly refused. This caused a lot of tension between my parents and her (and my brother)….this was the beginning of not so beautiful relationship. A few years later I married, and my wife and I started a family. It was around this time that my brother and his wife did not have any contact with my parents. Yet once a child was born to them, my parents welcomed them back – their first grandchild. I attempted to have a relationship with my brother, but his wife interfered with it (not inviting us to any family get togethers…however HER side of the family was always invited).

For the next several years, we always had to invite ourselves to their kid’s birthday parties, and we would have to contact them to invite them to our kid’s birthday parties…..basically a one way street. I stopped phoning them one time to invite ourselves to THEIR kid’s birthday party….and they never phoned again. After having been married and having 4 children, I lost my job after 23 years, and decided to go into business (with the blessing of the bank). I asked my brother, who is a Charted Account, to look over the books of this business I was going to buy….

he never got back to me, but I went ahead anyway. Due to unforeseen circumstances, two years later, we went bankrupt, and we had to go into rental housing to accommodate our family. (NOTE: My brother keeps criticizing my decision to go into business, blaming me for the bankruptcy and that I was over my head….this was far from the truth, however he never gave me any advice as I asked him BEFORE I went into business. He also has stated that no one should help me out of my dilemma). Around this time, my Dad passed away.

My brother’s wife’s true colors came out, saying some hurtful things to my Mom and had no regard to what my Mom was going through at the time. Then the rental house (after 3 years) was being sold and we had to vacate, my Mom offered to help us out with purchasing another home via taking out a mortgage on her home. I accepted (ensuring that the mortgage that she took out was enough to cover her expenses for one year, giving her enough time to sell her home and payback the mortgage she took out).

Then she changed her mind after a year, and had to borrow money from other friends to lessen the monthly payments. After my brother and wife snooped around her bank book (while she was in the hospital on one occasion), they confronted my Mom asking “why did you loan so much” and “did they need so much money”. It was really none of their business. Also, after my Mom helped us out she figured she “owned” me, or that I “owed” her for anything that I had to do in her (going shopping, running errands etc).

I feel that I don’t owe her anything, directly due to the upbringing I received from her, but she has always given some money to us with strings attached….I should have learned. When my older brother found out about the “helping out” that my Mom did, and he and his wife accused me of taking advantage of my Mom, not leaving enough in her bank to take care of her – my brother’s wife has also said that she has NO respect for me. I did not take advantage of my Mom….

It so far from the truth, and really none of my brother’s or his wife’s business. But the point to this….I received my brother’s OK when my Mom offered to help us out, ensuring his share of the inheritance would be in place, but he has conveniently forgotten this (especially in front of his overbearing and controlling wife). Now, every time that my brother sees my Mom, both he and his wife badmouth me, and my Mom does nothing to defend me…all she cares about is the amount of help she can get from my brother and his wife….

not what’s right or wrong…and my Mom constantly compares my wife to my brother’s wife….how my brothers wife is a hard worker, good mother, yet forgets what ill treatment she received from her…..my Mom is more interested in how much help she receives from my brother and his wife. Just to let you know…my Mom, although mentally fit, her physical abilities to walk without assistance is non-existent, and requires a barrage of social workers coming to her home on a daily basis.

To summarize: My Mom is self centered, and really only cares about who is around to help her. She will not defend me in front of my brother and wife, criticizes my wife for the lack of help she gives to my Mom. She feels that any money that was given to me and my family over the years requires a devoting to helping her out whenever she feels the need. Again…so many strings attached….never really out of the goodness of her heart. She regrets loaning the money to help purchase our home, as it has caused an unnecessary riff between her and my brother….

it seems to me that she still favors my brother over me. I think my next step should be to totally give up on my Mom and brother, and carry on with my life without them. I have given up on my brother…both him and his wife has said they don’t want anything to do with me or my family….and this was before the “helping out” was discovered. What is your opinion?

Add an answer

Anonymous replies: Having heard only your side of this story it does sound as if you have sound grounds to be unhappy about the situation, it is not uncommon for a late born unplanned child to be somewhat resented by a mother who would otherwise have been able to enjoy a more leasurely middle age (my own mother was told the same by her owm mother). Looking at it from your brothers perspective it is also not uncommon for an older sibling to resent the attention that a new addition to the family demands, whilst girls often take to the situation very well as thay can "play mum" with the new baby, for a boy this is not really interesting. It sounds like your mothers feelings about having a late addition to the fmaily probably reinforced the negative feelings that your brother probably also harboured and a pattern set in. It does sound as if your mother has at times been quite selfish but certainly helping you out in the way that she has, does indicate that she cares for you. Your brother and his wife are probably concerned about what will happen if your mothers condition deteriorates to the point that it becomes necessary to sell the property to pay for a higer level of care for her her, and given these turbulent economic times even could be worried about negative equity reducing the inheritance to a point that your share, which will have to be repayed to the bank is larger than their share, leaving them with less than than they are realy entitled to. You clearly want to have a harmonious relationship with both your mother and your brother, I think the only way to do this is to turn the other cheek and to continue to support your mother making it clear that you are doing so because you love her. Hopefully your mother has many years of life ahead of her and you will have plenty of time to demonstrate this. If you are able to contribute to the repayments on the loan that your mother has taken to help you out then your brother and his wife have will see that you are genuine.

Only registered users can rate - click here to register for free